So here we are, out in the bush, waiting. When your waiting you have a lot of time to think about things. My mind goes back and forth in the dark. Is Kuwait a Democracy? I didn’t remember that in high school. The President wouldn’t do that to us would he? My mind goes back to talks with my uncle- He was all amped up against the government from him being in Vietnam. – (The Government is a meat grinder. – And you’re the meat. He would say.) That was a long time ago; they wouldn’t do that again to us would they? That was a different time right?
At the time my allegiance was shaken in the doubts of what I thought was a good government. I served with men, good men who were believers in the United States and took there responsibilities seriously. They trusted that they were being led down an honorable road by honorable men. They trusted and served like I did, salt of the earth guys. They were true believers. I was too. Hook line and sinker. I believed in all of it.
Guard duty: There is someone out in the dark who wants to kill me. They don’t know me, I don’t know them, but they want to kill me I thought. How did I get here? Fuck, In the dark late at night you face you own demons about killing, about being killed. I swore and oath and I took that seriously. It was my time, it was my time protect the country like so many that I had seen in the war reels of my youth. I signed up for this. Did I sign up for this? I am not so sure, but here I am so fuck it. Bring em on and lets see what happens. After all this waiting you just want to get it over. Waiting- just fucking waiting out in the dark.
People died; choppers crashed. Bodies so bad only there dog tags were used to tell who was who. Time goes on. One year later I got letters of recommendation from my colonel, some majors, and my captain to go to ROTC to become an officer. I was good at what I did, being a soldier. I took the phrase “be all that you can be to heart”. I pushed, became first in my classes. I enjoyed the idea of doing something that really meant something in the world, that meant a lot to me.
I went through the ROTC training. One month before graduation, I was in the dark again. Out on a training mission. It was pitch black, and the old thoughts came back. “You’re the meat”. Do you think its going to change? I knew that I could not in good consciousness lead men to death, or kill for something that I did not believe in. It better be a fucking good reason, to ask people to go out and risk everything that they are, to give up all that they know.
I did a moral inventory in the dark, and I knew that I was not going to go through with it. They fucking lied to us for the war. I can not be apart of another lie, I won’t do it. Soon after, I went to my commanding officer, and his sergeant to tell them I needed to go. It was the hardest thing that I think that I had ever done in my life. My Identity, my life, my world. I told them I could not serve anymore. I knew I was right for what I was doing. But the shame of good meaning men, who think they know what is best for you is a lot to handle.
I told them that I just broke up with my girlfriend, and that I couldn’t handle it. (that was a blatant lie, I knew they could never understand the deeper reasons for my quitting). When your in the military you don’t quit, no matter what. That was burned into us. I felt that I was quitting the family I knew, the life I loved, and I wasn’t sure If I had it all figured out. I knew I was right. I walked out to my car tears in my eyes, you can never understand how much I wanted to stay. But I couldn’t. Not in with a clear consciousness. I belonged to this military culture no more.
It has been years since I did that. Time when by, then we get attacked. And the hair goes up on my neck. I watch the tv. Like everyone else. Split like before, Afghanistan was right. That’s where they lived, those who attacked us. Saddam? What the fuck? I watched carefully, doubt swelled, Colen Powell, he was honorable- I would trust what he said, about WMD’s. But there it was. I thought about it, I would be a Captain or Major by now I thought, responsible for holding up this new set of lies. I thought well here we go again. I thank god that I made the right decision all those years earlier. It doesn’t take away the sting of thinking that your abandoning good men. But I had to do that be cause I could not serve Immoral men.
It is hard to think this of your president, but my maturity in this matter has come full circle. (It actually took two presidents- Bush Sr. and Bush Jr.) I wish I could tell you that I am proud of my decision I am not sure I can. I think our country is broken, severely broken. The true believers are out there; meat for the machine. The old rules of governance have been replaced by spin doctors. I like to think that if I ever run across Bush Jr. I would flip him the finger, and tell him what an asshole he is.
That is my patriotic duty I think for all the true believers, to let him know, not everyone bought his fathers or his lies. WAS it all about the Oil – Yes, Yes it was and is. (For the people who do not like the mention of politics or my opinion- tough. You can’t be a soldier and not know politics, so I make no apologies for opening your eyes from the Oil- electric driven world that you and I live in)
(This Blog does not reflect the opinions of the veterans group, or the University of Houston.)
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