A Breath of Hope

A Breath of Hope
Walter Reed Tries Yoga to Counter PTSD

By Eileen RiversWashington Post Staff Writer Tuesday, May 6, 2008; Page HE01
Derrick Farley, a 29-year-old Army sergeant stationed at Fort Bragg, N.C., has seen many people die. He served in Iraq for three year-long tours of duty with only six-month breaks between them. He remembers driving trucks along the dirt roads of Tikrit, ever alert for telltale signs of a sniper or the sudden blast of a hidden roadside bomb. His vehicle, he said, was hit 13 times.
After he returned home from his last tour, it was often the less tense moments from Iraq that ran through his mind. For months, he had nightmares during which he screamed out in Arabic as he relived run-ins with detainees. At times, the sound of shots ringing out from the firing range at Fort Bragg would launch him right back onto the roads of Iraq.
Farley is far from alone: A Rand study released last month said 20 percent of the approximately 1.6 million U.S. military personnel who have served in Iraq or Afghanistan suffer from symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder.
But recently Farley has found a way to quell the symptoms of PTSD. Instead of allowing his mind to flash back to the roadside carnage, the truck driver pictures himself sitting on a yoga mat at the District's Walter Reed Army Medical Center, taking deep, relaxing breaths.
The techniques Farley learned there from yoga teacher Robin Carnes help him to realize that he's "actually here on Fort Bragg and not in Iraq," he explained by phone from the base.
'They're Not as Angry'
The Specialized Care Program at Walter Reed focuses on helping service members returning from Iraq and Afghanistan leave their wartime experiences behind.
Yoga, Carnes said, has become a large part of that effort.
In conjunction with a team of psychologists, a physical therapist, two nurses, a social worker and a general internist, Carnes has worked with hundreds of service members.
The program, which serves as many as 120 service members per year, 90 percent of whom suffer from PTSD, costs about $800,000 annually. That figure covers salaries for the program's specialists as well as travel and accommodations for the participants, such as Farley, who typically come for a three-week treatment session.
The yoga that Carnes teaches, a form of guided meditation known as yoga nidra, was added to the program in 2006 after she helped conduct a feasibility study at the medical center.
The results of the study were overwhelmingly positive, she said, adding that the service members appreciated learning skills that they could continue to use after they left.
However, it's difficult to document the program's impact. Participants, who evaluate their own progress, often say they feel better after sessions, Carnes said, but there's little scientific evidence to back their anecdotal reports.
"Students in class come up to me and say, 'I haven't felt this relaxed in a long time,' " Carnes said. "They say that they are more patient with their family. They're not as angry."
Soothed by Ocean Sounds
Farley went through a three-week program earlier this year. On a Thursday afternoon, 11 days into it, he lay on the floor, covered in blankets, head propped up with pillows, along with his wife and five other participants.
A CD of soothing ocean sounds played in the background and, with his eyes closed, Farley listened as Carnes led them through a yoga nidra session.
Periodically, she gave specific instructions: "Bring attention to your eyelids. Feel the place where your eyelids touch. Bring attention to your inner resolve. Think about the things you want from yourself. Focus on your breathing."
Being specific, Carnes said, prevents their minds from re-creating disturbing moments.
"The first day, the first week, there was a lot of restlessness," Carnes said. But during this session Farley and his fellow soldiers fell fast asleep -- a sign of progress, Carnes said.
In addition to twice-weekly yoga nidra classes, soldiers in the program participate in yoga sessions that use physical postures to help alleviate pain and encourage concentration. The Specialized Care Program also includes individual and group therapy, physical therapy, classes that teach coping strategies, and daily seminars that cover topics such as the causes of stress, the primary function of sleep and ways to monitor and reduce depression.
Farley's wife, Jessica, participated in classes with her husband and learned what had been causing Derrick's symptoms. He had never felt comfortable, he said, talking to his wife about his problems before the Walter Reed program.
It was Jessica who originally encouraged her husband to get help. He didn't realize that he was screaming out during the night, but these episodes troubled her deeply.
At first "she kept [the night terrors] from me," Farley said, "because I already felt bad enough not being myself, and she didn't want to add any stress to it." But after an especially bad nightmare, "she said to me, 'You know we need to get you some help.' "
Farley initially sought that help from the 82nd Airborne Division's mental health services in North Carolina. The experts there prescribed medication, he said. He also spoke to a therapist once a week. But he felt as though the prescription was masking his problems rather than solving them, he said.
"You got four brigades at Fort Bragg, and everybody is coming back from their deployment," Farley said. "It's hard to get appointments. It's hard to get time with a therapist. It's hard to be seen every week now. The appointments get stretched out to once a week, once every two weeks, once a month."
His therapist recommended that he apply for the Walter Reed program.
Individually Tailored Care
About 10 to 15 percent of service members in Operation Iraqi Freedom are at risk for PTSD, according to Cynthia Smith, a Department of Defense spokeswoman.
To meet this need for assistance, the Army Medical Command has contracted for 275 additional mental health workers nationwide, according to the Office of the Assistant Secretary of Defense for Health Affairs. The contractors have filled 112 positions, and there are about 137 applicants in various stages of hiring.
Walter Reed is attempting to start pilot programs at bases across the country that will use the medical center's three-week program as a model, said Col. Charles Engel, a psychologist whose department oversees the PTSD program.
What distinguishes Walter Reed's program, Engel said, is its multidisciplinary approach combined with care tailored to each participant.
"Nothing we do is by rote," said Roy Clymer, a psychologist and the program's director.
"We see yoga as a part of two important things," Clymer said. "One part of it is the physical aspect . . . that invites them to get in touch with the body to show them that the body doesn't have anything bad to compete against anymore. Another is that yoga is a part of mindfulness, bringing them back in the present moment."
Not About Finding a Cure
Farley wishes he had been able to spend more time in the program. Perhaps "I could have gotten everything out of my system," he said.
He stays in touch with many of the soldiers he met at the program. And each night, he uses the yoga techniques he learned there.
He climbs into bed, closes his eyes and follows his instructor's directions on a CD, allowing his mind to shut down for a peaceful night's rest -- something that he has finally been able to master after six months out of Iraq.
"It's not about finding a cure for PTSD," Farley said. "It's about learning to cope."
Comments:riverse@washpost.com.

About the Bloggers

We are a diverse group of graduate students,veterans from Vietnam and the Gulf war, as well as students with family and friends currently serving in Iraq and Afghanistan. Studying the effects of shame on peoples lives with Dr. Brown has given us some powerful insights into our own lives and experiences as well as those of our friends and family. Through the course of our studies we have also come to appreciate how empathy and compassion contribute to a shame resilience which can empower people to reconnect with family and friends and move on with their lives. We hope that by sharing these ideas, and some of the information and resources that we used, we will contribute to a better understanding of the causes of shame in veterans and what can be done to treat its causes.  

Therefore, this space is designed to primarily serve Social Work students and professionals as well as students and professionals from other helping fields who have the opportunity to work with populations of veterans of all ages and their families.  We hope to use what we have learned to raise awareness of the concepts of shame, shame resilience, empathy and compassion as they impact the lives of American veterans.  It is our goal to use this space to provide students and professionals with content and resources related to shame that might benefit and enhance their work with a diverse population of veterans and their loved ones. 

Shame Education 101

*Because we are students and not experts in the study of shame, much of the following information has been taken from dedicated researchers who are and you will find links to their work throughout the text as well as a full reference at the end of this post. *

First things first, understanding shame is essential. 

As you have read, we as the authors of the this blog are graduate Social Work students enrolled in a course focused on issues of shame.  As we become more familiar with this topic we are made aware that issues of shame are often discussed in practice without ever using the word.  Further, as many times as speaking the word shame is avoided, people often discuss concepts of shame and guilt without differentiation and often use the words synonymously.  As our knowledge in this area grows, we begin to understand the importance of understanding shame as it impacts the lives of our clients and our work with them.  

Defining and Differentiating Shame

Using the correct language is an essential component to recognizing and working with issues of shame in an effort to work toward shame resilience.  As practitioners, we must first fully understand the language surrounding shame and second provide our clients with the appropriate language for understanding and discussing their experiences.  One problem that we often run across involves misusing related terms such as guilt and shame.  While these concepts may be related in some ways, it is essential to understand the important differences. 

Shame is different than guilt in the directionality of the associated feelings as described by researchers June Price Tangney and Ronda L. Dearing (2002).  According to their book, Shame and Guilt, feelings of guilt are often less painful as the individuals primary concern is with a specific behavior.  Guilt involves negative feelings regarding the "bad thing" done and are separated from the self or a persons self-concept.  However, feelings of shame are directly correlated with a persons feelings about themselves as a result of an experience, event, or "bad" behavior.  

Dr. Brene Brown (2007, http://www.brenebrown.com/brens-book/) defines shame as the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging.  This definition of shame gives light to the impact that feelings of shame have on an individual perception of themselves in the context of the world around them. 

Self (Shame) Awareness

No person is fortunate enough to avoid feelings of shame and therefore, we all must learn to understand and deal with it, especially as helping professionals.  We have chosen to focus this space on Veterans and the issues of shame that effect their lives and we are increasingly aware of just how significant these issues are.  However, before we can understand their feelings of shame, we must understand our own.  As Social Workers, we are always on the pursuit of an increasing sense of self-awareness.  As my knowledge and understanding of shame and shame resilience grows, I am made aware of the importance of increasing my self-shame-awareness. Without awareness of our own issues, we may find it difficult to provide the best care that we can to clients experiencing issues of shame.   

Shame Categories

Feelings of shame are not "triggered" by universal experiences or events.  It would not be possible to create a list of experiences or events that would cause shame in all or most people. Instead, shame is very individualized.  We each experience shame as a result of our reactions to very personal and unique life experiences and events.  Years of research has allowed Dr. Brene Brown (2007, http://www.brenebrown.com/brens-book/) to compile varying shame "triggers" into related categories including:   

• Appearance & Body Image
• Mental and Physical Health
• Sexuality
• Family
• Motherhood & Fatherhood
• Parenting
• Professional Identity & Work
• Aging
• Religion
• Stereotypes & Labels
• Speaking Out
• Surviving Trauma

Shame is often experienced in relation to the categories listed above.  Take a moment to think about these categories as they might relate to all age groups of veterans.  

Shame Resilience

So we understand shame...but what do we do with it?  

According the Dr. Brene Brown (2007, http://www.brenebrown.com/brens-book/), while we cannot avoid shame all together, we are capable of developing resilience to shame.  In a quote from Brene Brown's book, I Thought it Was Just Me (but it isin't): Telling the Truth About Perfectionism, Inadequacy, and Power, she describes resilience as: 

"...that ability to recognize shame when we experience it, and move through it in a constructive way that allows us to maintain our authenticity and grow from our experiences.  And in this process of consciously moving through our shame, we can build stronger and more meaningful connections with the people in our lives." 

According to Brown, shame resilience has four components: 

1. Name and Understand Shame

2. Develop the Awareness we need to Recognize When We Are Experiencing Shame and    Why

3. Move Through Our Shame Constructively and Authentically

4. Find Courage, Compassion, and Connection in Our Experience 

Concepts of empathy, courage, compassion, vulnerability, and connectedness are essential to the development of shame resilience. 

References:

Brown, B.  (2007)  I thought it was just me (but it isin't): Telling the truth about perfectionism, inadequacy, and power.  NY: Gotham Books. 

http://www.brenebrown.com/brens-book/

Tangney, J. P. & Dearing, R. L. (2002) Shame and Guilt.  NY: The Guilford Press.  

You Are Not Alone: Comments from Veterans recently returning from Iraq and Afghanistan

In an effort to gain a better understanding of shame and shame resilience of recently returned veterans, a short questionnaire was developed and distributed among this population. Participant's ages ranged from early twenties to late forties, and were Veterans who recently returned from tours in Iraqu and Afghanistan. The introduction page explained the purpose of the questionnaire and provided a definition of shame as including feeling excluded, less-than, inadequate and diminished. We also provided a description of Shame resilience theory (Brown, 2006) that proposes that we can develop healthy, constructive ways to deal with shame and that includes recognizing shame and our triggers, reality-checking myths and stereotypes, sharing our stories, and experiencing empathy. The following are some selected questions and answers from this exercise.

What is shame to you?

• Shame is a feeling of disgrace and no matter how much you try to feel "clean" you can't, or try to feel the same you can't. Sometimes you feel helpless. You just know when you feel this way is sometimes, it's sometimes linked to depression.


• Shame to me is knowing you did something wrong or looked down upon and feeling bad about it. You feel over paranoid or nervous about what people are thinking of you.


• To me shame means embarrassement of some type. When I can't look someone in the eyes when I speak to them.


• Shame is when an event, either in your control or not, happens and has a negative effect on social, political, economical, or moral perceptions. I feel shame when members of my organization do something that reflects poorly on the organization I am a part of, making it more personal.


• Something that will disgrace yourself, family, friends, unit, and country.


• Shame is a feeling concerning ones self, his colleagues and family...One might feel depressed, less than adequate and afraid.

How do you deal with shame?

• I am a positive person so I don’t really let it get to me. I realize that I picked this and no matter what I know who I am, and overall I’m doing a good thing.


• I go head on with it. I face it because I know that the only way I can do things.


• In most ways, I would like to say I give a positive spin on the event causing shame, but as it turns out, 99.9% of the time, this option isn’t available, resulting in a neglect to give any attention to the problem at all, as to not draw further attention to it.


• Drive on and try not to do whatever I did to bring shame on myself again.


• I confront it, and move on. Dwelling only complicates things. You have you entire life for memories, move on and learn from your mistakes.

What is the most powerful stereotype you have encountered being a Veteran?

• That we are all killers. The military is a well diverse group of people. While almost everyone knows how to do combat related skills, that does not mean everyone does this in war.


• Negative: a killer/ “No good American.” Positive: “good person”


• Everyone seems to think you are totally mentally unstable when you come back from war. This is not true. Most of the time we come back to a loving life, people, and where we live more than ever. It helps you realize the important things in life.


• I’ve noticed, being a combat veteran, that the general public views all service members, especially Army and Marines, as trained killers.


• That we want to talk about our experience.

Do you see shame in any of your colleagues? Is anyone vocal about it?

• Yes. Some are but not really, it’s there in their eyes, but you don’t ask, you know. If they open up-awesome, but usually it’s just a quiet understanding.


• Shame is present in any organization, whether it is large or small. As stated before, individuals can feel shame based upon the organization as a whole.


• No. and no.


• Yes. They try to improve and are ashamed that results come slow. They show anger to lose weight, run faster, be stronger, but they keep trying.

What would you tell your family and/or friends about what you need from them (in terms of support, empathy, etc)?

• We just need understanding when we get back. Everyone wants you the same but you’re different. Time has gone on and people grow, so you need to understand that we need time, so we need you to just be there- when and if we can open up, & just give us time.


• Support is huge! Especially while you are over there. You need to know that people still love you and they respect what you’re doing. It helps to know that people genuinely appreciate what you’re doing.


• I don’t tell my family much because they have always looked to me for support. I don’t want them to know much, not to worry them.


• In several cases, family/friends are supporters, empathizers, and listeners. For these instances that bring shame, I personally can’t do anything about it, so it’s nice to have someone to “vent” to during these circumstances.


• To have patience and things will work out.

Does shame play a role in working with clinicians, such as counselors/and or psychologists? What changes would you like to see occur concerning this relationship?

• I would like to see more time spent on really analyzing soldiers. When we go home it’s just rushed and I don’t think some soldiers get proper help, and some people feel ashamed to ask for help, so we need people that have been there with us.


• Teach coping skills for physical appearance and situations that soldiers are ashamed about.

Other Shared Personal Experiences

Well in my experience, I’m a female and we’re in a guy’s world-so it was double the stress, especially being in a “war” environment, and it’s a lot to soak in when it comes to being away from my loved ones-then realizing that I missed so much in one year. Then when adjusting, I put on a smile and acted like it was good. I’m glad to be home and have my family that is supportive but not everyone else does, so when you do see someone in uniform even if you don’t agree with what we do, just don’t give us the “ugly look”. Just go on and leave us alone. You never know what someone is going through and you never know if that look is all it takes to them “over the edge."

Raising Critical Awareness For Clinicians Treating Veterans

One of the reasons this blog was created was to raise critical awareness about veterans and the shame many veterans carry with them everyday. This section of the blog is dedicated to benefiting the greater knowledge of clinicians about veterans and shame. The important thing to remember while reading this post, reading this blog, and interpreting all information regarding Veteran Affairs, no matter where it come from, is keep a critical mind. The media, your own colleagues, teachers, or even bloggers, may present information as fact. Keep a critical mind that all the information you are reading or hearing is biased. These biases may be intentional or unintentional. Although the information presented on this blog is intended to be unbiased, it is fact based on our opinions. We advise you to critically analyze this and all information for yourself before interpreting information as fact.

According to the U.S. Department of Veteran Affairs, the exact number of veterans is unknown. This is interesting to me. I try to keep in mind that this is the information that the U.S. Department of Veteran Affairs allows the public access. Whether it is accurate or not, it is the most accurate information that people like you and I can get. Between the American Revolution, which began in 1775 and the two current wars, Afghanistan and Iraq, the United States has been involved in 12 wars. Although documentation and statistic for Afghanistan and Iraq are incomplete due to the fact that they are currently ongoing, up to date information can be found on the fact sheet on America’s Wars at the U.S. Department of Veteran Affairs. Currently there are almost 24,000,000 million living U.S. Veterans. This statistic alone shows the need for clinicians to be able to treat shame within the veteran population. There is no known amount of shame among the veterans, but we do know that shame is universal, everyone has it. Among veterans, the percentage of men greatly outweighs that of women, 93% to 7%, respectively. Our blog is dealing with the issue of shame and clinicians who are dealing with veterans battling with shame. I would like you to think about how men deal with shame in compared to the way women deal with shame. According to Brene’ Brown on June 9, 2008, during her lecture discussion, men and women deal with shame very differently. The number one shame trigger for women is body image while the number one shame issue for men is professional identity. I am sure that body image is a critical issue of shame among veterans, but I do not feel that body image ties into shame for veterans as closely as professional identity does. For many veterans, being a veteran is their professional identity. I am in no way saying that being veteran is shaming. I am just asking you look at the coinciding facts. For men and women alike,not happy with professional identities can often be a source of shame. It is highly important for clinicians working with veterans to understand the shame that many veterans may be carrying with them.

Where does shame among veterans come from? Not being a veteran myself, I have no idea what it is like to be a soldier or a veteran. The extent of my knowledge about the military comes from what I have learned at all levels school, books, personal relationships I have with veterans, and movies. The media is one way that a clinician may learn about the life of a veteran. Any veteran would probably have disagreements with any movie meant to dramatize the military and war. But for a clinician, who has no military experience, books and movies are often the easiest way to comprehend what military personnel experience. For example, a dramatized version of soldiers dealing with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is the film, The Deer Hunter. The Deer Hunter is a great movie that shows the audience how different PTSD can be for each individual. Whether we want to admit it or not, we are all influenced by the media and the media’s portrayal of the military and veterans. But, by keeping a critical mind the media’s biases about this subject, clinicians and civilians, may be able to learn from these resources.

This blog is intended to help clinicians, who are working with veterans, and give to those clinicians insight into shame and the world of veterans. At this point, I will list some possible examples of shame that a veteran could be dealing with. The first being intrapersonal shame issues. What I mean by intrapersonal shame issues are personal experience that each veteran has seen or done during their time in the service. These could be experiences that cause a person to suffer from PTSD. Suffering from PTSD is awful for anyone. But the idea of being diagnosed with PTSD can be a source of shame. A veteran’s negative reaction to PTSD can create the shame of having PTSD. A clinician working with any person suffering from PTSD should keep in mind having PTSD due to a catastrophic event can often be as shaming as the event itself. Clinicians should keep in mind that dealing with the shame of any disorder, including PTSD, is often as important as treating the disorder.

A second source of shame for veterans is internal military shame. This could be the decision to join, or retire, from the military. For some veterans, joining the military can a source of shame. Having an understanding that the military is not for everyone, a veteran or even a person currently active in the military, may have wished they would have chosen a different career path. Although there are multiple examples of veterans who are ashamed of the United States Military, I am talking about those who wished they had done something different with their careers. This parallels civilians as well. Many people are dissatisfied and ashamed of what they do for a living. This shame ties back to shame issue of professional identity. Similarly, the decision of a veteran to retire from military service can bring about shame. Being a veteran instead of an active soldier can bring about shame. Veterans could feel a lack of professional identity. A veteran may also feel as if they are leaving their cohorts behind. This can be a source guilt as well as shame.

Looking at the hierarchical structure of the military, a veteran may feel shame about the status attained in the military. A veteran could feel shame about the fact that he or she never ranked as hi as he of she envisioned. For example, a sergeant who never made a rank advancement. This can bring about shame for anyone who did not get the promotion they wanted. Again, this is an issue of shame brought about by professional identity. Shame among veterans can be based upon career decisions and directly related to professional identity.

The final example of shame among veterans is shame brought on by society. Society attributes stereotypes to veterans which can greatly affect them. Veterans deal with countless stereotypes including patriot, courageous, and skilled. These are some positive stereotypes associated to military personnel and veterans. Negative stereotypes are also associated to many people who are or in the military as well as veterans. People may assume, and you know what happens when you assume, that military personnel and veterans, are vicious, killers, uneducated, and that they have they same opinion of war. These negative stereotypes can be very hurtful and shaming to not only those who are currently in the military and veterans, but also the family and friends of these individuals.

The United States, as well as the rest of the world, is very split on their opinion of the United States’ involvement in Iraq and Afghanistan. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. The part of society that is against the war may, unintentionally and intentionally, attribute their negative attitudes about the war to the entire population of the military and veterans. It is important for clinicians, regardless of the own opinions of war, to understand their own biases when treating veterans dealing with shame. If a large portion of society thought what clinicians were doing was morally wrong, you might understand the shame felt by generations of veterans.

I hope this post, and blog, will help clinicians understand shame that many veterans may be feeling. This post is based upon both fact and opinion. In no way am I trying to contribute to shame of veterans or imply that all veterans have shame because they are veterans. Nor do I wish to label or stereotype veterans with shame. Whether you agree or disagree with the information presented here, I hope it can help understand the shame a veteran my feel. Remember to keep a critical mind about this, and all, information you inquire concerning the status of veterans and shame. You may never fully understand someone else’s shame. Clinicians who have never been in the military will probably never understand what shame really means to a veteran. Hopefully this blog will help give clinicians some insight into the shame that many veterans cope with and an understanding how to begin treatment. Clinicians who understand the shame of a veteran can effectively empower veterans with resilience to shame. Understanding veterans and shame is only the first step to practicing effective Shame Resilience Theory among the diverse population of veterans.

For more information on the statistics used in this blog please visit:
http://www1.va.gov/opa/fact/amwars.asp
http://www1.va.gov/vetdata/docs/4X6_spring08_sharepoint.pdf

personal experience: Vietnam-An Airstrike Gone Wrong

Letting Go

Some things in life are recorded on your memory disc in slow motion. I don’t know why maybe it’s because the enormity of the event and its impact on your psyche are just too much for normal speed. In my case, I think, it was that I always hoped that something else would happen; but it just never did.
I see the cylinders floating through the air, long tapered cigar shapes with pointed ends. It seems to go in a straight line as it first leaves the belly of the aircraft, then, aerodynamically unstable, it rolls and begins to twists and turn-later as I retold this story someone explained that the forces of gravity moved the liquid around making it tumble even more. I see them tumble slowly almost like leaves spinning as though they had just fallen from a tree even though they are really traveling at several hundred miles per hour. I wish them to be gone, to stop falling and to disappear but they do not. Around me is a cone of silence, I hear no noise even though the air was full of rocket fire, screams, and explosions. This slow motion memory is short but goes to full speed as soon as the napalm hits the village. Even though I am fifty yards away, the heat is instantaneous and intense. I must turn away and cover my eyes. For years, I would replay this dream, once I was at a beach party and when they started the bond fire, I had to leave.
I have been trying to let go of this dream for a long time and after many years, I have finally replaced it with others that are more positive. I did not know this strike was planned and I had no communication with the pilots. When I realized what was about to happen that hot morning in the Vietnamese jungle it was too late to change. We called in medivacs and tried to get as many of the burn victims to hospitals as quickly as we could. Many were mothers with young children. The Army calls these things friendly fire incidents of collateral damage. Everybody that day was doing the best that they could do. It just wasn’t enough but you must let it go and move on-reconnect to the world around you, restrain and control your anger and frustration. To try and do other more positive and worthwhile things with my life I must put this behind me and not let it stop me from going forward. It's taken a long time gain this perspective;hopefully it helps me be more compassionate in other circumstances.
June 1968
Chauduc Province

True Believer No More : / Gulf War

So here we are, out in the bush, waiting. When your waiting you have a lot of time to think about things. My mind goes back and forth in the dark. Is Kuwait a Democracy? I didn’t remember that in high school. The President wouldn’t do that to us would he? My mind goes back to talks with my uncle- He was all amped up against the government from him being in Vietnam. – (The Government is a meat grinder. – And you’re the meat. He would say.) That was a long time ago; they wouldn’t do that again to us would they? That was a different time right?

At the time my allegiance was shaken in the doubts of what I thought was a good government. I served with men, good men who were believers in the United States and took there responsibilities seriously. They trusted that they were being led down an honorable road by honorable men. They trusted and served like I did, salt of the earth guys. They were true believers. I was too. Hook line and sinker. I believed in all of it.

Guard duty: There is someone out in the dark who wants to kill me. They don’t know me, I don’t know them, but they want to kill me I thought. How did I get here? Fuck, In the dark late at night you face you own demons about killing, about being killed. I swore and oath and I took that seriously. It was my time, it was my time protect the country like so many that I had seen in the war reels of my youth. I signed up for this. Did I sign up for this? I am not so sure, but here I am so fuck it. Bring em on and lets see what happens. After all this waiting you just want to get it over. Waiting- just fucking waiting out in the dark.

People died; choppers crashed. Bodies so bad only there dog tags were used to tell who was who. Time goes on. One year later I got letters of recommendation from my colonel, some majors, and my captain to go to ROTC to become an officer. I was good at what I did, being a soldier. I took the phrase “be all that you can be to heart”. I pushed, became first in my classes. I enjoyed the idea of doing something that really meant something in the world, that meant a lot to me.

I went through the ROTC training. One month before graduation, I was in the dark again. Out on a training mission. It was pitch black, and the old thoughts came back. “You’re the meat”. Do you think its going to change? I knew that I could not in good consciousness lead men to death, or kill for something that I did not believe in. It better be a fucking good reason, to ask people to go out and risk everything that they are, to give up all that they know.

I did a moral inventory in the dark, and I knew that I was not going to go through with it. They fucking lied to us for the war. I can not be apart of another lie, I won’t do it. Soon after, I went to my commanding officer, and his sergeant to tell them I needed to go. It was the hardest thing that I think that I had ever done in my life. My Identity, my life, my world. I told them I could not serve anymore. I knew I was right for what I was doing. But the shame of good meaning men, who think they know what is best for you is a lot to handle.


I told them that I just broke up with my girlfriend, and that I couldn’t handle it. (that was a blatant lie, I knew they could never understand the deeper reasons for my quitting). When your in the military you don’t quit, no matter what. That was burned into us. I felt that I was quitting the family I knew, the life I loved, and I wasn’t sure If I had it all figured out. I knew I was right. I walked out to my car tears in my eyes, you can never understand how much I wanted to stay. But I couldn’t. Not in with a clear consciousness. I belonged to this military culture no more.

It has been years since I did that. Time when by, then we get attacked. And the hair goes up on my neck. I watch the tv. Like everyone else. Split like before, Afghanistan was right. That’s where they lived, those who attacked us. Saddam? What the fuck? I watched carefully, doubt swelled, Colen Powell, he was honorable- I would trust what he said, about WMD’s. But there it was. I thought about it, I would be a Captain or Major by now I thought, responsible for holding up this new set of lies. I thought well here we go again. I thank god that I made the right decision all those years earlier. It doesn’t take away the sting of thinking that your abandoning good men. But I had to do that be cause I could not serve Immoral men.

It is hard to think this of your president, but my maturity in this matter has come full circle. (It actually took two presidents- Bush Sr. and Bush Jr.) I wish I could tell you that I am proud of my decision I am not sure I can. I think our country is broken, severely broken. The true believers are out there; meat for the machine. The old rules of governance have been replaced by spin doctors. I like to think that if I ever run across Bush Jr. I would flip him the finger, and tell him what an asshole he is.

That is my patriotic duty I think for all the true believers, to let him know, not everyone bought his fathers or his lies. WAS it all about the Oil – Yes, Yes it was and is. (For the people who do not like the mention of politics or my opinion- tough. You can’t be a soldier and not know politics, so I make no apologies for opening your eyes from the Oil- electric driven world that you and I live in)

(This Blog does not reflect the opinions of the veterans group, or the University of Houston.)