Letting Go
Some things in life are recorded on your memory disc in slow motion. I don’t know why maybe it’s because the enormity of the event and its impact on your psyche are just too much for normal speed. In my case, I think, it was that I always hoped that something else would happen; but it just never did.
I see the cylinders floating through the air, long tapered cigar shapes with pointed ends. It seems to go in a straight line as it first leaves the belly of the aircraft, then, aerodynamically unstable, it rolls and begins to twists and turn-later as I retold this story someone explained that the forces of gravity moved the liquid around making it tumble even more. I see them tumble slowly almost like leaves spinning as though they had just fallen from a tree even though they are really traveling at several hundred miles per hour. I wish them to be gone, to stop falling and to disappear but they do not. Around me is a cone of silence, I hear no noise even though the air was full of rocket fire, screams, and explosions. This slow motion memory is short but goes to full speed as soon as the napalm hits the village. Even though I am fifty yards away, the heat is instantaneous and intense. I must turn away and cover my eyes. For years, I would replay this dream, once I was at a beach party and when they started the bond fire, I had to leave.
I have been trying to let go of this dream for a long time and after many years, I have finally replaced it with others that are more positive. I did not know this strike was planned and I had no communication with the pilots. When I realized what was about to happen that hot morning in the Vietnamese jungle it was too late to change. We called in medivacs and tried to get as many of the burn victims to hospitals as quickly as we could. Many were mothers with young children. The Army calls these things friendly fire incidents of collateral damage. Everybody that day was doing the best that they could do. It just wasn’t enough but you must let it go and move on-reconnect to the world around you, restrain and control your anger and frustration. To try and do other more positive and worthwhile things with my life I must put this behind me and not let it stop me from going forward. It's taken a long time gain this perspective;hopefully it helps me be more compassionate in other circumstances.
June 1968
Chauduc Province
No comments:
Post a Comment