In an effort to gain a better understanding of shame and shame resilience of recently returned veterans, a short questionnaire was developed and distributed among this population. Participant's ages ranged from early twenties to late forties, and were Veterans who recently returned from tours in Iraqu and Afghanistan. The introduction page explained the purpose of the questionnaire and provided a definition of shame as including feeling excluded, less-than, inadequate and diminished. We also provided a description of Shame resilience theory (Brown, 2006) that proposes that we can develop healthy, constructive ways to deal with shame and that includes recognizing shame and our triggers, reality-checking myths and stereotypes, sharing our stories, and experiencing empathy. The following are some selected questions and answers from this exercise.
What is shame to you?
What is shame to you?
- Shame is a feeling of disgrace and no matter how much you try to feel "clean" you can't, or try to feel the same you can't. Sometimes you feel helpless. You just know when you feel this way is sometimes, it's sometimes linked to depression.
- Shame to me is knowing you did something wrong or looked down upon and feeling bad about it. You feel over paranoid or nervous about what people are thinking of you.
- To me shame means embarrassement of some type. When I can't look someone in the eyes when I speak to them.
- Shame is when an event, either in your control or not, happens and has a negative effect on social, political, economical, or moral perceptions. I feel shame when members of my organization do something that reflects poorly on the organization I am a part of, making it more personal.
- Something that will disgrace yourself, family, friends, unit, and country.
- Shame is a feeling concerning ones self, his colleagues and family...One might feel depressed, less than adequate and afraid.
How do you deal with shame?
- I am a positive person so I don’t really let it get to me. I realize that I picked this and no matter what I know who I am, and overall I’m doing a good thing.
- I go head on with it. I face it because I know that the only way I can do things.
- In most ways, I would like to say I give a positive spin on the event causing shame, but as it turns out, 99.9% of the time, this option isn’t available, resulting in a neglect to give any attention to the problem at all, as to not draw further attention to it.
- Drive on and try not to do whatever I did to bring shame on myself again.
- I confront it, and move on. Dwelling only complicates things. You have you entire life for memories, move on and learn from your mistakes.
What is the most powerful stereotype you have encountered being a Veteran?
- That we are all killers. The military is a well diverse group of people. While almost everyone knows how to do combat related skills, that does not mean everyone does this in war.
- Negative: a killer/ “No good American.” Positive: “good person”
- Everyone seems to think you are totally mentally unstable when you come back from war. This is not true. Most of the time we come back to a loving life, people, and where we live more than ever. It helps you realize the important things in life.
- I’ve noticed, being a combat veteran, that the general public views all service members, especially Army and Marines, as trained killers.
- That we want to talk about our experience.
Do you see shame in any of your colleagues? Is anyone vocal about it?
- Yes. Some are but not really, it’s there in their eyes, but you don’t ask, you know. If they open up-awesome, but usually it’s just a quiet understanding.
- Shame is present in any organization, whether it is large or small. As stated before, individuals can feel shame based upon the organization as a whole.
- No. and no.
- Yes. They try to improve and are ashamed that results come slow. They show anger to lose weight, run faster, be stronger, but they keep trying.
What would you tell your family and/or friends about what you need from them (in terms of support, empathy, etc)?
- We just need understanding when we get back. Everyone wants you the same but you’re different. Time has gone on and people grow, so you need to understand that we need time, so we need you to just be there- when and if we can open up, & just give us time.
- Support is huge! Especially while you are over there. You need to know that people still love you and they respect what you’re doing. It helps to know that people genuinely appreciate what you’re doing.
- I don’t tell my family much because they have always looked to me for support. I don’t want them to know much, not to worry them.
- In several cases, family/friends are supporters, empathizers, and listeners. For these instances that bring shame, I personally can’t do anything about it, so it’s nice to have someone to “vent” to during these circumstances.
- To have patience and things will work out.
Does shame play a role in working with clinicians, such as counselors/and or psychologists? What changes would you like to see occur concerning this relationship?
- I would like to see more time spent on really analyzing soldiers. When we go home it’s just rushed and I don’t think some soldiers get proper help, and some people feel ashamed to ask for help, so we need people that have been there with us.
- Teach coping skills for physical appearance and situations that soldiers are ashamed about.
Other Shared Personal Experiences
Well in my experience, I’m a female and we’re in a guy’s world-so it was double the stress, especially being in a “war” environment, and it’s a lot to soak in when it comes to being away from my loved ones-then realizing that I missed so much in one year. Then when adjusting, I put on a smile and acted like it was good. I’m glad to be home and have my family that is supportive but not everyone else does, so when you do see someone in uniform even if you don’t agree with what we do, just don’t give us the “ugly look”. Just go on and leave us alone. You never know what someone is going through and you never know if that look is all it takes to them “over the edge."
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